I have a wound, and it’s not going to heal on its own.
This wound is deep and it is infected. It keeps me from being effective where I am needed. It lies to me and tells me I’m not good enough. It tells me I don’t know what I’m doing. It keeps me from joy. It keeps me from blessing my family the way I could and should.
This wound is known as “The Father Wound” and it has been kicking my ass for far too long now. I have got to deal with it. I have got to open this wound up and clean it out. I have got to pour on the antiseptic and let it bleed for a bit. I have got to get out the sewing needle, heat it up and stitch this thing up.
When I was 2, my “dad” left. I don’t remember a lot about any of this, but I do suffer from it. Something, I don’t know what, but something was more important to him than me and my 6-month-old brother. I can understand if you couldn’t stand to live with our mother any longer, but WHAT could be so great, that you would leave the state that your sons live in? I try to put myself in those shoes. First, I couldn’t imagine living without my wife, then I think about leaving my son. Leaving my son because of why? Because of my own selfishness?
So here I am, broken, confused, and hurting. Wondering what it takes to be a good dad. I’ve never had training in that, never had a role model as a child. I have a son now. When he was born is when the wound really started to surface. “Oh my god! I don’t know how to be a dad. I’ve never had a real father figure in my life. I’ve never had anyone come beside me and show me how it’s done. I’m going to fail. I am destined to fail as badly or worse than my father did.” The wound lies to me.
I’ve been a Christian since 1992, married in ’97, and a dad since ’99. My son will be 13 on the 26th of this month. I don’t have this dad thing perfect, but I’m trying. I try to give my son the dad I wish I had. To vow to be nothing like your father is a horrible vow to have to make.
So, here I am. Blogging about a healing process that you can’t take a pill for or have surgery for. It’s a healing process that is going to take some time and a lot of tears. I will keep blogging about it, kind of a journal of my progress. It will be raw and painful, but I have to heal this wound. I know there are millions of men out there in the same boat as I am. If you are one of them, let me know. I would like to know if I’m helping someone. If you want to continue to read about this journey, I will post them under the Father Wound category.